i woke up at 5 am and found myself wrapped in christmas lights that were plugged into the wall.
I gave up sex for lent.
I guess that means I'm postponing our date until after Easter.
just drew up plans to mow my front lawn into the American flag for world cup. that high and patriotic.
I promise you I could read that dogs mind, he was arguing with the other dog saying he knows how fucked up I am
Dude, the cops never think it's as funny as you do.
Just asked the bartender if I could use the register to see my grades.
well that explains the french fry and ketchup packet rolled into the wasitband of my sweats. thank you drunk me.
I kinda wanna eat your hands right now.
Put down the everclear and go to bed.
We were running down las vegas boulevard at 8:30 am with our beers cause we were late for our flight
University has ruined us all. I just had to clarify the last time I had sex as "No, not at the party we crawled home from in the snow. It was the one where you puked off the balcony and hit the barbecue."
Do you remember peeing in the sink while I was throwing up?
No ma'am, I do not. I found a video of us trying to do a trust fall though. Emphasis on the trying.
Thanks for fingering me to orgasm during Wu-Tang Clan
I fell into the fireplace. That is a pretty good sign to stop drinking fireball
test was negative. but nancy drew has yet to solve the case of the missing period.
HILY FUCK HES HERE I HAVE MONISTAT IN ME HE SUPRISED ME
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