I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
you asked the guy at 7-11 if he remembered when you came in and threw news paper every where... then you did it again
I making dinner, so you might want to actually come home tonight.
oh, you finally did the dishes then?
No, bought new ones.
So Easter dinner for me was at 4:40 this morning where i made Bagel Bites and had a glass of Chardonnay
I'm sitting next to a ginger. She is decked out in olive green. Gingers fucking love olive green.
first thing my tuition money buys is a strap on
Although a guy bought me a shot of fireball last wknd and I told him he wouldn't even get half a handjob for that and walked away so don't tell me I don't have standards
I was packing a bowl naked and her dog just stared at me with pure rage
He Dutch ovened me while I was hiding under the covers from his mom. Needless to say it did not end well.
No one wanted to hang out so vodka and I are hanging out
He came home at 2 AM on roller skates with his hair dyed pink while singing "Sweet Transvestite" and throwing glitter on all of us and everything we own. We had to call a cleaning guy.
Ya know, one would think a restraining order would keep me from fucking my ex.
I called you last night? What did I say??
That you love me forever and that I'm the greatest in the world now mohammed ali is dead...
I think I’ve been affected by his dad mustache. I wanna ride it.
Would you still love me if I got a Whatever Forever tattoo? It's like the Emo kids' Live Laugh Love
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