I need to start cutting my cocaine with Plan B
quadriplegic porn is always funny
no. no its not
after last night, i judge her for not breaking up with me
I just found blacked-out interviews on my voice recorder. Go journalism.
I can't believe that 100lb chick tackled me through a flight of stairs
he stopped midthrust to put on his sex playlist and the first song was 'can you feel the love tonight'
where do you find these guys?
I'm bringing Sergeant Single Slut out this weekend. I hope you're ready for her.
Oh god. I asked to "play his sexaphone" which I though was a super sex way to say "let me blow you". He fucking walked home at 4:30am
You don't know reunion panic until you've exfoliated your butt cheeks.
You kicked me our in the middle of a blizzard with a dead phone. I had to give my watch to a pizza delivery person to take me home. You owe me a gyro too.
He signed my ass with a Waffle House pen.
Every text my dad sends me is an AA mantra. Might be time to take a look at my life.
You came in yelling "I'm el scorcho" and then axe can flamethrowered my dresser. Awesomeness aside, you owe me a new dresser.
Our faces when the strip club was closed looked like the grinch just stole Christmas ☹️
Dude I cant right now. Were talking about pickles.
Randomize
