I haven't been laid since Bush was president.
I wish I had more reasons to start sentences with the phrase, "Here's the thing you've got to remember about cougars ...
You love popeyes more than me
does delicious chicken come out of your vagina?
What's bad is when she said "what hobo did you steal this dick from?"
I've hooked up with six guys in my ethics class next semester...I feel like I've failed already
We're smoking a joint the size of the average penis right now. I may not survive.
All the girls at the party had American flag thongs on... Pretty impressed with coordination seeing as how impromptu this event was
I apologize for violently hooking up with her in front of you in the jacuzzi last night.
Asking the homeless man what buss shelter is the warmest was not a good idea
I just heard a 350 lb guy with a stutter describe getting blood in his eye as he was shanking his cellmate and, more generally, how to survive as a white guy in jail.\n\nYou should really consider going to some AA meetings
Sit down my child. It's time you were told of my famous loss-of-virginity story entitled, "The Penis that Never Could."
Ps we ordered a pizza at the pool today and I dropped the entire thing in the pool. We still ate it. #canthang
We were at dinner and dad asked me to pass the salt and I suddenly remembered doing body shots when I was blacked out last weekend.
Just saw a dude take a shot in the parking lot in his car. Too early in the semester for that
So I woke up really sad and then I looked in the cabinet and there was weed and now I'm not sad anymore
Randomize
