I'm already going to be stripping so like pretty much you would just be watching me. Also we're watching twilight. again.
If a cop asks you "Where do you go for fun?", it's not a pick up line...especially if he just pulled you over.
on the way home the dog started throwing up her bone in the car..so naturally i started to puke too
Woke up with 3 sports bras for underwear. Valiant effort drunk me.
I think god is proud of me so he is rewarding me in discounted wine
i turned my shower on this morning and passionfruit pulp came out. how did you even do that?
I just won a riveting game of "who can drink the most vodka out of a hollowed out watermelon". Fucking New Yorkers.
No I got myself stoned. With her bowl. She was just a casualty of the War on Sobriety.
Dude he did say "let's go cougar hunting" and you KNEW your mom was going out last night...so it's kind of your own fault for not coming
Her blow jobs are legen wait for it seriously like 9 people I know brag about them dary
Might call you tomorrow on a drunken hate filled rant, or just a normal hate filled rant, either way be ready.
I'm at that stage of drunk where just imagining having sex makes me motion sick.
my mom talks about my drinking like its a problem and yet this morning she fills me a solo cup with champagne for the shower.
We went there specifically for you to break it off with him and I walk in on you two in the bathroom with his dick in your mouth
but he had pizza... so i win
I give up.
I'm giving drunk me full control of my body for the next few days. Please don't let me die.
Randomize
