I feel like your standards for women is like rent-a-centers standards for credit.
Then you jumped off your bed with your arms outstretched, yelled "I'm Goliath, watch out New York!" and then began singing the Gargoyles theme song as you 'soared' around your room.
Don't be ridiculous, the Gargoyles theme song has no words. How could I sing that mess?
You just started going "da da da da da! da da da da da! DA DA!!" then going "swoosh" as you glided about.
I love Welcome Back Week...No I wont accept your god but i will accept that hot dog
This is not a drunk text right now. This is an i want your dick text. There is a difference.
you were having sex in the bathroom so i pee'd in your bong water...
I went from a chick that didn't like to have sex to one that can't get enough of it. I can't believe I'm going to say this but at 27 I think I need a happy medium
Pretty sure the girl next to me in Chipotle just came out to her mom.
You told me you aren't worried about the police that you've been training for this an that the last three months of your life have been devoted to building up your stun gun tolerance and pepper spray recovery time.
he's definitely still old enough to be your dad. even your grandfather, if you come from a line of juvenile delinquents
We were coming but I found wine on my way out the door.
well one of us has to be wrong and it's not going to be me
Well, you've continued the theme of living with people who's dicks I've sucked.
I'm about to eat a 2month old weed brownie I just found in my lax duffel bag. will you answer if I call you in like an hour and a half
Please don't throw the wedding bouquet at me
Well, I was arguably the most sober adult in the house by 1 in the afternoon, so I'd say Superbowl Shitshow was a success.
Randomize
