Just got yelled at by a priest...again.
Its ok we found him,,, He is in the bathroom trying to write his life story on a roll of toilet paper.
I found bruises on my neck from barfing out the window.
Our brains have an emergency blowjob override switch. You saw proof tonight.
Im sorry for drunkenly throwing your phone into the ocean. At the time it seemed like a good way for you not to text him
Also, just almost microwaved cereal. Thank god mom is here to stop me.
Dude. I only took a 20 out the ATM last night. How do I have 83 ones?
You stole from the strippers again. I wish I was ninja like you
Our fuck buddy relationship took a turn for the worst after we were drunk and I punched him in the face when he asked for a three some with my best friend.
maybe her throwing up on me was a foreshadowing of how she would later metaphorically throw up on my life
You're a waste of cheezeits
Just gave candy to a strange child. Not my best move.
As long as you don't want to make a shrine out of my eyelashes It's all good
Well, I was giving him a handy and I sighed in boredom. He heard. I had to fake moaning sounds after he asked if I sighed.
I wrote life affirmations on my notes to repeat and read several times a day so I become a better person, see the time on the toilet has been constructive
If there's one thing I think I could really excel it, it's curating a midlife crisis
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