If you did the rosary as much as you masturbated, you would be the pope
Oh i know my limit. 9 shots after i've given blood.
well now i know if i ever need to drive puke and talk on the phone at the same time i can
If a man doesnt have the ability to fuck you well on a small climbing wall, I don't think he deserves you.
I'm at his house right now making him pancakes to compensate for YOU not giving him a handjob last night. You're welcome.
Can't wait to hear which one of you won the 'fuck a bigger geek' contest last night. Queen Amidala vs Lara Croft. See you at breakfast.
Apparently being drunk on a southwest flight and yelling "TURNUP" during take off is looked down upon in this state.
Got back to find Sarah in her underwear eating peanut butter and watching Arrested Development with the thermostat at eighty.
Have you ever just like not slept in so long that everything looks like a lava lamp?
At least you didn’t announce to an entire bar you’ve eaten pussy, and then knocked your beer over.
But he's super into Jesus and I'm the devil. So we weren't meant to be
We just fucked each other sober. #goteam
i just watched a 27 minute video about owls...that high.
You can now call me Rabbi, and I can now perform weddings, funerals, and other services in all fifty states. You're welcome, world.
Just FYI: if you happen to notice a liquid of some sort on my kitchen counter with an interesting color/ texture, don't taste it
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