the kid next to me in training is drinking sangria. its 9am here in case you couldnt calculate. its going to be a good year.
You just kept screaming at everyone 'not to break your scarf' and doing somersaults
I GOT A VENDING MACHINE FOR OUR LIVING ROOM
Mm. I just want to eat pancakes off of his fine ass.
Shirtless guy staggering down the sidewalk, puking into a Prada shopping bag. Ahhh, the walk of shame in Boystown.
But I aced my quizzes. Apparently flash card beer pong is an acceptable form of studying.
dude I don't even care if I'm getting catfished the point is I'm going to get laid. hot bitch, fat bitch, skanky bitch, i don't care my penis is having an adventure tonight regardless
And then he said, "let's have sex and I'll send you home with enchiladas."
You came in last night, ate an entire avocado in silence, and then told me I should never accept rides from strangers. Not sure I even want to know what happened to you last night!
I have drunkenly angered a family of raccoons. Please send help immediately.
THE AUSTRALIAN IS SINGLE AS FUCK.
I mean, I've had her boob in my mouth, but is that romance?
I just made the most “single life” Amazon order ever: protein bars and condoms.
You faceplanted on the railroad tracks and when I tried to tell you to get up, you told me you were "taking a quick breather"
How I know I would be an awful mother....I just stirred the bong up with a baby fork. A literal baby fork....
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