I am pretty sure he just licked my hand while trying to sing goo goo dolls iris to me. Get me out of this state.
i thought to myself 'what a productive day'. then i realized all ive done is one load of laundry and shaved my balls.
the russians are downstairs with the vodka loudly proclaiming happy birthday america. i don't care if it's the fourth, i care that it's 9 am and they woke me up.
She said she wanted to have closure sex.
I ended up with a bullet proof vest and I still don't know his last name.
This is the second time in a week I've woken up with your bra in my bed and I've had to sit and think about how it happened.
The lady at target couldn't scan my grocery item and just looked at me and said "just take it. I hate this fucking place". Best munchie adventure yet.
Dear lord though. So much glitter. It's just a big gay explosion and all of my whore muscles hurt.
My sunday was babysitting three big, drunk, crying Swedes. Unless your day involved four or more giant drunk swedes I don't want to hear about it.
I can't wash the smell of tacos off my hands. I feel like the Lady Macbeth of Chipotle.
Hooray! My email address wasn't leaked by Ashley Madison!
I will chop off your penis
Found sauce from last night's pizza rolls wedged under my phone case... While sitting in my 8 am class. What happened last night?
I continue to impress myself. Also I'm probably pregnant
The beauty of getting kicked out of college again is I can fuck my professor's brains out and she can't get fired now
Woman doing my Brazilian right now says to tell you she says hi...what has our life come to?
Randomize
