the last time I saw her she was leaving the mens bathroom and club rush with her dress inside out. typical tease.
I can't breathe out the right side of my face
we got so high we spray painted his girlfriend's UGG boots. she's CRYING. it's hysterical.
I was just stopped at a stop sign waiting for the moon to turn green.
He said I was cute and he handed me a stuffed bear from his car. I don't care that he was 80, I named it Hector.
You are a piece of meat with a side of awesome to me.
I say "glasses of whiskey" like I didn't chug it out of the bottle
You're right. I woke up today with my ugly sweater still on and no pants. I'd say it was a successful night.
He told me he loved me and then peed his own bed. So at least it was a memorable one night stand.
Did I tell you about my dream that I got handed a $100 and my vagina dissolved it? I think it wants me to not be a whore anymore.
Yeah it got awkward when the two guys we were playing beer pong against realized that I'd hooked up with both of them. Their teamwork declined after that.
hooked up with him and then had a conversation with his ex about how we hate people who hook up with our exs...
I was trying to sext but got a notification that my dad and professor both commented on my Facebook photo. Bad timing.
you know you're sexually deprived when you're holding a warm taquito in your hand and your vagina starts to tingle
This lady is talking to me and all I can think about is getting face fucked and doing cocaine. Not neccesarily together and not neccesarily in that order
Randomize
