so the weed I found in my fridge is actually lettuce. tell jim I need that 5 bucks after all
just puked in a purse in the store. some girl asked if i was gonna buy it now and i laughed and asked her why id want a bag some dude just puked in. her face looked like she saw the devil.
i love that you felt the need to clarify that you don't actually have drugs in your vagina.
I just took a shower and I feel like 20 pounds of sex just came off of me.
Just had to throw up on the floor of my car during traffic on the way to work. Car next to me saw both times. Found the downside to having a job right after graduation.
He made a fake guest pass that was just a note card with "I'm here. Me." written in sharpie, and tried to convince the security guard it was real.
Oh god, so much rum. I think I was in a shotgun wedding with a Bacardi promotion girl.
I was out with the drag queens until 7am. This is the hangover I needed to kick my ass back to sobriety. Dear Virgin Mary, fuck my life.
She complimented my boobs and then told me I smelled like teddy bears before falling asleep on the floor.
There are some things you can ever unsee. And walking in on your dad jerking off is one of those things.
You were discovered in a bush, smoking, and singing "in the jungle" to yourself. Which explains the scratches, but not the orange paint.
Urgent. Do not ignore. What does this "=$" shit mean. Quality foreign dick is at stake here
I'm pretty sure that's why we have such good sex because we are secretly trying to kill each other
Woke up with a $50 attached to my penis with a rubber band..
Sweet. Tell little Richard to buy us a sack and a pizza.
I think you threw up on me last night but i can't remember so i'm not mad at you.
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