Is it a bad that I spent my 5 year anniversary with my husband texting my ex boyfriend?
I need to move out. I just walk of shamed my way into a family breakfast party. There's no response when grandma says "where you coming from in heels at 9AM?"
He just keeps repeating "this isn't my bagel".. i'm worried for his safety
So then you challenged the bartender to an arm wrestling contest for a free bottle of vodka
Sweet. Did I win?
Youre hungover arent you?
We lost a condom inside me, I had to fish it out. The next day he gave me a Gone Fishin' bumper sticker. True love at its finest.
We have a nice shopping list..vibrators and roller blades
Priorities
Waking up in a NH rest stop and reading through my texts is definitely a familiar low
You fell in the corner and refused to get up unless someone helped you. And then you crawled under the pool table and took a nap.
On the flip side, we did almost have sex wearing a gorilla mask and deer antlers.............
I just remembered that the guy I slept with last night has "USDA PRIME" tattooed on his ass
He asked if we were going to take advantage of his drunken state. When we said no he tired to show us what we were missing out on. It was so sad it almost made him cute.
leads to pukin, then cryin, then 24hr masturbatin binge, then cryin again and finally a combination of all 3
why did i wake up in the bathroom?
we had to stay with you a while until we convinced you it wasn't safe to wash your face, then you fell asleep with your foot in the toilet.
No instead we fucked in the elevator.. it was wrong on so many levels..
How tall was the building? Maybe it was only wrong on some of them
Fuck your fuckin pumpkin spice. You and your subtle differences frighten and disgust me.
Randomize
