Trimmed my pubes and broke your paper shredder. Separate events.
Nothing says "I love you" like a full raw dog.
I just love slightly exposed cleavage. Not too much to be whory but just enough to say "your kids will never go hungry"
yea i guess its safe to say fire extinguishers are not synonymous with whip cream cans
I just found her phone in the quesadilla maker...
Remember that amazing deer? You peed next to that dear..
This chic sharing the cab with me just started givin me head. I'll be an extra 5 minutes.
I saw Nicolas Cage's face in the moon. Those were good shrooms.
I heard you shushing me, but my screaming orgasm drowned it out.
I just dropped a paperclip into my cleavage while talking to the company president... That's an awkward moment.
Did you at least offer to let him get it out??
In the 2nd smartest move of my day your ringtone for when you call is now the Space Jam theme.
The only thing that got rode last night was the shit face train. I brought him home to see wht all the hype was about and he just started crying and puking in my bathroom.
He’s really fucking cute. Like, I want his penis in my mouth cute.
I left my red butterfly dildo laying on my bedroom floor this morning....my landlord is currently showing the house to people. Fuck can't ever face him again.
The last thing I remember saying was "Tequila for all!!"
If you count the sounds from the room down the hall....that was definitely NOT the last thing that came out of your mouth.
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