my mom walked in on my vaccuming.......i wasnt vaccumming
You say "arrested with two drunk girls" like it's a bad thing....
is it wrong that I want a "Where The Wild Things Are" tshirt that points to my junk?
why is my clorox wipe dispenser full of tortillas?
It might have taken me 30 minutes but I finally finished the toast I made. That hungover.
Due to your tardiness, I'm saving you my tab
Dude, the coffee is horrible this morning, Cass changed something about it
We ran out of Bailey's Irish cream...
This is what regular coffee tastes like?!?! Fuck the adult life.
I just need to stick to one night stands and delete social media
Can you not touch my dick while I'm holding a gecko?
Probably won't be invited back there again considering last time his purebred corgi ate my pot brownie and had to be rushed to the hospital.
My guy issues hinge on tonight's game. Caps win, it's Dustin. Rangers win, Josh. I even flipped a coin to see who got what team
Trying to stay sober at a family function but hiccuping so fucking loud. "Have you been drinking?" I hit on my cousin so yeah. I have been drinking.
I'm just now realizing I've slept with guys from three different decades over the past year. That's gotta be some sort of record.
I just got free tacos, you would be so proud of me.
Clarification, I got free tacos without performing any sexual favors.
He told me he would make me come so hard I would throw up. I'm actually horrified that he thinks that's something any person would want
Randomize
