see... this is why i put birth control in all my friends drinks
wait.... you do what?
I just lost $50 at the races, got drunk, and woke up to my ex-gf. Apparently the good decisions kept on rolling...
I have all these new brothers and sisters I'm just now finding out about
Do you ever go through someone elses pictures and just appreciate the fact that youre not really friends with them?
Ok, but If I make this happen, my first born son gets to fuck your first born daughter
Level of drunkenness: just now when I sat down on the toilet, I had to double check to make sure I wasn't sitting on somebody's lap.
Taco Bell drive through. Chick got out of the car in front of us and threw up on the hood of my car!
Not okay.
I can't believe I've come to a point in my life where sex for a birthday present is acceptable
Then me, her, and her mom snorted tequila. The bartender was in shock.
Don't know why you're always hating on relationships. I've had chocolate pancakes accompanied by a blowjob and a blunt and it's not even 9 am. Time for mid morning shower sex. Enjoy your morning bong bowl alone asshole
The last thing I remember is him yelling from across the room "WE FINISHED THE HANDLE!"
It was 11pm.
The orgasm I got from him made me feel almost as good as I imagine the girls in the tampon commercials feel.
Will u make me a "6 month anniversary of being single" cake??? I wanna celebrate
Do you remember me asking for jerk off videos from Tinder guy?
Nah I don't remember that being part of the criteria
I'd send you a picture as proof but I want to marry him some day and that would be a deal breaker.
Randomize