i looked at dads computer and apparently he was looking at job ads on craigslist and the only one clicked that turned purple said "GET PAID TO MASTURBATE"
smell my finger.
i just threw up ON my final. epic way to end the semester.
Weird shit dude, I just realized that the girl I fucked last night looks like Shaun White's twin sister. I dunno if I should be scared or turned on
I hope her Double McTwist was as good as his
A lesson I learned in the hospital....when you masturbate while attached to a heart monitor, it scares the nurses a lot.
Just found out Brianna Frost the Pornstar goes to my school. Makes that $35,000 tuition that more valuable.
I could swear I did coke with Jesus last night
every facebook tagged picture of yours, you are either drinking, swimming or drunk in water
The cop was more concerned with the syringes on the dash board than looking for the source of the smoke. Thank god for diabetes!
I piss off the neighbors just so I can have someone to compete with.
I woke up in Brittany's thong, Tony's shirt, and an oven mitt
So we became Pizza Strippers- we stripped and asked for slices of pizza in return.
it was like teleporting. everytime i opened my eyes, i was somewhere different... usually the floor.
Was about to close the deal last night until he said he hadn't seen the Taylor Swift video. So I made him watch it before I let him have sex with me.
I just had to explain my bite marks to my allergy doctor when she gave me my shots...You're the best <3
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