i just saw a midget buying condoms and graham crackers. i wonder which was the impluse buy.
What started out as a threesome has become me sitting here watching them have sex... Can I get a ride home?
She said "You blew my mind last night." and I said "nah, I just blew my load." and her mom heard.
this kid in class is playing minesweeper and just slammed the desk because he lost. thank god were normal.
the whole city is out of plan b pills. this is the meanest game of musical chairs ever.
At the hospital, the nurse kept telling me that i either had appendicitis, a tubular pregnancy, or an ovarian cyst. I kept asking if i could just have chlamydia instead...
She may be a slut, but at least she's a dedicated slut. She's always super tan and has her shit shaved in really cool designs.
I'm still drunk. it's summer. I just need a hot dog and an aspirin.
cassie wtf are you alive??! no one has seen you for like seven hours whereeee did you go
IS IT POSSIBLE FOR A GUY TO NOT HAVE BALLS
For every drunk face picture you send me, I'm gonna send a wholesome family photo.
Either your boy toy or the kid who pulled a knife on me in high school is here
Sometimes I get in situations where I realize they think I'm smarter than I am and then it's just one more thing I have to fake.
I'm about to be a big disappointment.
You kept insisting you found queso that's better than oral sex
Ok well my life just seems more exciting by default because I'm dating my married boss and sexting with my ex
I will be DAMNED if anyone but me breastfeeds my cat.
Randomize
