Your face is a jimmy john
Enough with studying for finals. Time to put that my little pony coloring book to use.
He said he only talked to me because I talk dirty in bed.
Today was the day I stopped kidding myself and started buying the handle of vodka.
Its fiiine, tuesday is like the thursday of wine wednesday. And i mean, free beer for girls at the grove...im not NOT gonna take that offer up!
Look at your life. Look at your choices.
Oh that's what I forgot last night.. To make out with her.
It's going to be weird as hell when you have kids. I'll meet them and think "Hi, Did you know that I was almost your dad?"
I told him if he cums in my mouth he has to buy me a cake that says "sorry I came in your mouth"
According to facebook, I opened up a can of whupass on some douche who poured all the vodka on the ground.
You called the wrong number but I salute you.
No more house parties. We're almost fucking 30 years old and I slept until 6 pm.
My husband has seen you naked more times this week than me. I don't consider it a bad thing since you keep bringing the booze to our house. And because my tits are bigger.
I feel like I got hit by a truck. And I vaguely remember getting into an argument with a passive aggressive Ron Burgundy in a onesie- grown man, not a baby- about the pronunciation of New Orleans
I want an apology pizza with SORRY IM A DOUCHE spelled out on it in pepperoni
My mom is dancing slutty on the bar I need more drinks to be ok with this
So... I sharted on the plane. It was hard to maintain my composure and acted offended at the same time. I hate you for not cutting me off last night.
Randomize