Just wanted to let you know that if you need my services as a male dancer for his birthday, let me kno so I can clear my schedule
I accidentally had sex with my boyfriend's twin last night...and he didn't stop me.
How was it?
Fantastic, but that's not the point.
I just woke up in the back of his van. Bring me a sunkist.
who knew "i drink your milkshake" would work as a pickup line
you should buy a sheep. A) you get an awesome pet. B) free coat
a fat lady just tried to bring a cooler stuffed full with burger kid through airport security. christ I'm going to miss the midwest.
Dude I just ripped my new jeans climbing out the window so his booty call wouldn't realize I was home. Being his roommate should come with hazard pay
I just saw a commercial for God of War and heard the nickname he gave my vagina.
Hey start looking around for a low rider Subaru. Well get a loan. It will be capital for our first music video.
I'm pretty sure I said "this might be the last time I'm in here" but then I took his pants off so that's a mixed message
I AM A HOUSE CAT. I CANNOT DO THIS LION BUSINESS WE CALL THE SINGLE LIFE
I'm just mad because I can't play gta5 all day tomorrow cuz I'll be in court testifying against a craigslist prostitute...
Are you playing pokemon in the dark and sexting? I can't be mad at that.
I walked past his mum on the way out and she offered me toast in a napkin "for my travels". Being home from uni is weird.
That 2-CB was ass.
You mean the asprin cut with pez?
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