I just spent the last two hours on the phone with Emily trying to explain to her how to finger herself.
A freshman just referred to Home Improvement as 'tim the tool man show'. People born after 1990 are not people.
so went to the condom shack today. bought a condom that dresses up your dick in a suit...tomorrow im fucking in style
I think they were cool with it, they should have know if I was the host of the baby shower it was going to involve a keg and jager shots.
Why is there bacon braided in my hair
So was it you or me who decided it was a good idea to inscribe fuck you on the counter?
That was me. Just a 'welcome to our home' kinda thing.
He's so drunk he thinks he's the ultimate warrior. Told cops he was from parts unknown. Never broke character
They put paint on their hands and tried to see how many times they could touch me before I woke up.
Judging by this purple one they got to second base.
Well the good news is ill probably have my new boobs by the time he sees me naked
Let's go. I'm waiting for my time to shine among the stars of never never land. Make sure you bring my Peter Pan costume this time. Shit's bout to get real glittery.
This is my life. Enjoy the view
But what we lack in money, we make up for in dry humor and drugs
Its okay. I just know how you can text with your hands cuffed behind you back, so I had no idea what "oh shit" meant.
Maybe life is about finding the person you DO want to cuddle with after they rail you like a porn star
Hey I know we haven't talked in a while, but I wanted to thank you for those m&ms you bought me for Christmas. Sorry I never got you anything then broke up with you.
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