Good thing you left when you did - ended up getting banned from jimmy johns.
she passed on me to fuck the foreign guy. is there a manlier, slightly less gay way of saying "always the bridesmaid, never the bride"?
nope.
so, I mean this in the straightest way possible, but don't you ever just feel like you owe Jon Stewart a blowjob...
So I realized I'm not completely sober when the automatic toilet flushed and I screamed
We used a lit joint as a candle for her birthday cake
we did shots in class this morning as part of a presentation. WHY AM I LEAVING THIS COUNTRY?!
My mascara kind of smells like tequila to me...Is this my body crying for help or asking for a shot?
You kept trying to use my cat as a napkin.
We both work at 8am and I have to shower but my roommate is passed out on our bathroom floor with the door locked. Merry Christmas.
I appear to have wine on my toes. I am really not clear as to how this happened. I'm gonna have a little lie down.
Because I'm currently dying, lacking waffles, and vaguely convinced I'm an eagle
i just used a selfie stick to take an ass pic. i hate myself.
Just heard a 15 minute program on the radio about how cases of gonorrhea in the throat and rectum are skyrocketing in the US. Almost crashed laughing so hard.
Sorry, who is this??
So what's it like to be pregnant?
It feels like I'm hungover and when I was drunk I was kicked off a mechanical bull and then trampled.
you know you should be lucky to find the case to my dildo....that means no more random guys at the house!
Randomize
