No, I can't hang out with Dave because he already has a girlfriend. The one with the tatoos of cherries on her "cherry." Yeah, she doesn't really make me feel spectacularly comfortable.
nothing says happy new years better than a black eye from shooting yourself with a champagne bottle
You were doing downward dog and puking off my deck at the same time.
I've hooked up with six guys in my ethics class next semester...I feel like I've failed already
We didn't have beer, so we played mini-beer pong with shots and frozen peas.
Finally put clothes on I've been laying naked in the bed for approximately 4 hours since I showered and by showered I mean when I laid down in the bathtub with the shower on
I swear to God, if you drunkenly correct my grammar one more time, I'm cutting you off.
I'm a male taking pregnancy tests with every girl at the party. i have no regrets
I thought he put a fake swan in my yard, but no, he put a real life swan in my yard
Celebrated the veterans I suppose, my mouth tastes of gin and black outs
I need a moral compass that doesn't always point to dick
I told him I just left the convent and really wanted a man. He fell for it. Sure beats telling him I'm a nympho stalker that followed him to the bar when I saw his beard.
I am convinced you could sleep through the apocalypse and only wake up because youre hungry & want Dominoes
I'm sorry but it's something you and your A cups wouldn't understand.
You were lost on foot. Texted us and told us that N*Sync couldn't save you, and then you "met Jesus" in your car.
Randomize
