Also, i'm pretty sure i've had my birth control pill stuck in my throat since like...two pm. So i'll be practicing safe oral sex tonight.
Sex on a trampoline was so worth getting a mosquito bite on my penis
Its like Laser Tag, but more fun because it ends in sex
I got her a Nickelback box set.
I'm walking down the street with a Starbucks in one hand and a flask in the other. People seem to have a staring problem
Pretty sure they aren't letting me back to karaoke night after I screamed "fuck every one of you tasteless hillbillies!!" because I felt they didn't clap loud enough for Jen.
I found your wallet in my underwear drawer......... Don't worry I don't plan on asking any questions
Putting a breathalyzer in a bar is a horrible idea. But I won
I'll explain later but basically I was feeling dangerous, I'm dressed as Ann Romney and Ann Romney is a bad bitch.
Bryan's allergic to that cheap detergent, so he's been naked for three days. But we're all used to it now, so the party is still on.
I used to think not drinking while I was pregnant was not gonna be a problem, but I now I'm like shit that's a long time
I never thought I would be saying these words but...when did David Spade get hot?
I miss the days where our biggest worries were who was gonna win battle shits.
WINE AND FILM. TALK ABOUT AN UPGRADE FROM NETFLIX AND CHILL.
I really appreciate you taking the time to blur out my excessive boob cleavage for instagram
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