He wouldnt get hard, then started talking about his ex wife. I literally rolled over and started to cry
The nice sales man at 711 gave me a handful of free lighters for buying a carton of cigarettes. I guess the depressed damsel in distress look works for me.
I feel like now would be a good time to apologize for vomiting in your eye
Mass texted booty calls to all the guys I've hooked up with this year to commemorate the end of the semester.
I love you. Thanks for all the blowjobs.
I just pulled a piece of cookie out of my bra in the middle of class. I'm forever alone.
Today's forecast is horny with strong chance of booty calls. Low of Craigslist cruising, and a high of climaxing in a stranger's bed.
He goes "sorry was at the gym. Some of us workout " and I wanted to text him back and go "well some of us do occasional drugs so we don't have to"
My roommate comes home screaming, I brought you home a friend! I thought she brought me a guy...no, she brought home a one-eyed shih tzu.
At some point, it turned less into sparring and more into tough guy dry humping.
I turned around and there were three 10 year old kids running around with sparklers. Weirdest college part ever.
Welcome to Philly.
When you are 21 it's acceptable to run out of the tavern and puke all over the bike rack... when you are 35 it's called alcoholism.
Paige is home safe.
Actually, she's here now, punching me in the face. You should've kept her keys.
I JUST SENT A TOILET SELFIE TO THE WRONG PERSON.
I don't remember what you did, but I DO remember that i'm supposed to hate you for it.
Randomize
