everything was goin great until he pulled out his ed hardy lighter and smoked in my face like he was cool.
it's like you attract all the douchebags that nobody wants. people should thank you.
Whats a good hint for stop bitching im gonna give you head
i was super drunk. to the point where i was putting shredded cheese on a fork, putting hot sauce on it then dipping it in salsa. it was awesome.
Kurt said to text you and encourage you to come out tonight. Encourage you with my rack.
I think she finds the idea of a naked fat man lying on the table and holding our butter offensive
Well I mean he is in a slightly seductive pose
If I have to go to the hospital, at least put my pants back on. It's been a fantastic night.
They came over the loud speaker and said "no laying on the dance floor.." I thought i was dancing, but apparently that's just the way it started out.
You would seriously think I would remember who put themselves in my phone as Burt Rynalds Moustache, but I don't. And I need to be reminded of who you are so I can give you a proper high five.
We were having margaritas and I was saying "back when I was drinking..." They looked all confused. Then I realized "holy shit they think THIS is drinking?"
At one point, the bartender wrote out the words "please kill me" on some receipt paper and slid it across the bar to me.
Just because I stayed up all night betting on Australian Horse Racing doesn't mean I have a gambling program.
I made a separate snapchat account so I could swap nudes with a guy from omegle.
Why do all of your bad decisions sound like fucked up mad libs?
I did just chug a pint glass of wine during a solid round of masterbation, so I believe I am ready for bingo.
just woke up on the floor with a bottle in my hand. and by bottle, i mean a baby bottle. half filled with tequila.
You were only speaking with either thumbs up, thumbs down, or high fives haha
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