five shots of tequila, anal and 3 cigarettes. not my best idea on a saturday afternoon.
I love how you send me nude pics of girls you're fucking and name them by which city they're in instead of their name. "This is Nashville, this is Tupelo, this is Jackson..."
it was like i was on a global safari of uncircumcised men
dude he was laying on two half-naked chicks, as they rubbed him down with lotion, while rolling a joint. hes like a modern-day african king
There are topless girls riding the lawn flamingos. I win.
We found a swing set....it's in the front yard.
Tonight will be judged a success if I walk out without having thrown up on my shirt.
They evidently had to pull his penis out of me while we were passed out on the floor.
after we were done she whispered to my dick "you sir, are a genius"
I guess all those years with her as your babysitter finally paid off.
How the fuck does a person bruise an armpit? I swear to god, I get the lamest drunk injuries.
Had an orgasm and got a charley horse at the same time. It was a multi-purpose scream.
I don't suppose you have a recipe for a cocktail made of bitter resignation, regretting everything, poor life descisions and deep-seated self-loathing?
Block me from your phone tonight…I need to get laid tonight. But you've been being a douchebag. So not by you. But I might call you. So block me.
WHY WOULD I COCK BLOCK MYSELF???
My vagina measures dicks. It's accurate to the half inch.
The cure for a hangover evidently is not walking around in a costume in the sun towards of park of screaming children
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