ofcourse shes the first one pregnant. wasnt she the one who asked the middle school health teacher how many calories are in sperm?
TBS has betrayed me by telling me tyler perry is funny
so I told him I hadn't been laid since Bush was president. Right after he cums, he says "Welcome to the Obama Administration".
I'm drinking a margarita out of my 'best bj' trophy and it tastes like victory.
What's the wine called that we really like and we usually drink it with xanax?
I'm gonna need you to NOT let me play duck duck goose with three racoons in the middle of the street next time.
UPDATE: WE WILL BE HITTING THE BATMAN PINATA WITH A SWORD
Found out I slept with someone who likes Pitbull. I really should get to know someone better before I sleep with them.
I mean he gave me an 'I owe you an orgasm' fist bump
I keep picking up boring men who literally just want to cuddle. HOW AM I THIS BAD AT GETTING SEX?
I mean, I already hooked up with her boyfriend. The least I can do is accept her facebook friend request.
Apparently karate chopping the fronts off all the paper towel and soap dispensers in the bathrooms isn't even frowned upon. Like even at the third bar when I fell flat on my back trying to jump kick the last one some guy just helped me up and high fived me. America.
OF COURSE I FUCKED HIM! Did you not read the part about him having red and green Christmas condoms?
well, shes hot as hell, but she does keep saying she's the president of the loch ness monster's fan club, so that's kinda a red flag...
There's a guy in a plaid shirt running around asking everyone if they want to head butt him
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