what the fuck were we smoking when we had a conversation about how my brother would be so proud if i fucked an orange alien?!?
we've reached the level in our friendship where i don't think he would rape me
the way i see it him paying 500 bucks for my fake abortion is karma's way of punishing him for cheating on his wife
I think when she wakes up, she'll either kill me, or laugh. I hope she laughs.
And as far as being fat goes I just did like 20 minutes of p90x and now i'm eating frosting out of the container....
Just pooped at the strip club. NOT NORMAL . I may be a little too comfortable here.
My phone saved "first signs of pregnancy" as a most visited search.
Standing in my kitchen eating choc chip cookie batter from the bowl. As sad as it is, I kinda like the places bad breakups take me.
Tried making out with pop rocks in my mouth. That shit is magical.
I saw pigeons eating ur dried up puke today. Last night was fucking great
Because the guy guy doing the drawing either wanted to bone, or wanted us to stop entering the contest. Either way, we got concert tickets so I'm cool with both scenarios.
ok, i suppose pissing your pants could be considered a wardrobe malfunction.
This is ridiculous. I’m in fucking college getting high off a potato.
I haven't heard from him yet. He's either still asleep (which is entirely plausible..... There wasn't much sleeping happening last night) or he's robbing me blind. But I have renters insurance, so either way, I'm ok with it.
I'm literally about to create a tinder account. Just so someone drives me to get food.
Randomize
