How was your Memorial Day?
Don't remember... but I do have an American flag painted on my boob signed by a Staff Sargent... Oh God, I hope that's his military rank and not a nick name.
Braces and a neon one piece. She looks 15.
i'm in love
i love insurance, just had an iv with 4 bags of fluid, 2 shots of finagrin and a 2 hour nap . woke up without a hangover. all for $20
you are the best fuck buddy i could have, all the others get feelings and morals involved
I faked it too. I just spit on your bed.
so after six weeks of dating she admitted shes bi and asked if it would freak me out if we brought another girl into the bedroom. i said no in this hesitant voice and she said 'if you let me dont worry ill make it up to you'
i literally fucking hate you so fucking much.
I just ate a fried snickers. I now officially accept all fat jokes
You can't just hum the Jaws theme song when you pull down my pants.
There's still helium in the tank I found in the garbage outside the bar!
I'm never drinking again. I saw way more penises than I ever cared to see last night. And I've decided that I'm going to live in Scotland.
I need an explanation for both of these epiphanies.
Just took a shower for the sole purpose of getting off without using my hands... I've reached a new level of summer-lazy.
I dare you to find another dealer that delivers bud to your home along with deep fried vegan burritos
Ok, maybe playing "whose family is most dysfunctional" wasn't the best drunk idea we've had. Todd''s been crying in the bathroom for an hour. We can't get him out...
I smoked too much. I'm sitting on my balcony and I keep getting lost. Help me
A dozen naked frat boys in squirrel masks just ran by. Welcome to the official start of the holidays.
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