I love you and miss you, which in no way dimishes how much I hate the person you turned out to be, but I still love and miss you.
Kenny Powers is just a normal guy with exceptional hair
The project manager just came into talk to me for the first time and I had justed googled best drum solo ever and couldn't X out of the screen.
don't tell me I don't love her. i once slept with my girlfriends therapist, just to find out if she was cheating on me.
So I'm drinking wine and watching Thumbelina
I'm teaching my cat to play fetch
Yep, it's a friday
I have full custody of my vagina however you are granted visiting hours
Who was the girl that woke me up at 4am to tell me "there's an emergency, we need you to come smoke weed"
He brought me four big burritos and two joints! He can sleep with his bank teller any time he wants!
I've been to his house multiple times since that night and I STILL can't find my bra. And he says the hot tub ate my thong.
I don't care if we're married you can't just walk into the bedroom with a pizza box expecting to get laid
HOW THE FUCK CAN YOU NOT REMEMBER WHIPPING IT OUT AND PUTTING ON THE BAR?
By the way, you're banned for life.
Believe me honey Imma fuck the discount out of at least one plastic surgeon in my life
Never ever make a tattoo bet. I now have a shamrock on my dick.
Why exactly is there a butt plug on the counter?
For some reason, my alarm clock was unplugged & in the kitchen microwave. I don't remember doing that...
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