I came back to the apartment and he was waiting for me, covered in mustard.
needless to say I left
thats it. im googling how to make you boobs smaller. this is getting out of control.
a pedometer??? no beatles?Steve jobs just took a dump in CA and it landed on my heart
Matt is in the hospital again. the night nurse text me asking not to bring the boombox again. is it sad or awesome that they are starting to know us?
He said he had bite marks on his back... Turns out he had to throw me over his shoulder, and I was really reluctant.
Hurry up and get here I'm judging myself
I'm in a pile of cheezits at an unfamiliar location watching dateline on tlc. Stage an intervention.
Just asking. Could've given you a lap dance in a sombrero, drenched in corona and tequila.
God Bless cinco de mayo
Please tell me you woke up next to the hot one cause his ugly friend is still snoring in my bed and my favorite panties are ripped.
Wingwoman of the year. I'll buy you dinner tonight and a new thong. It was THAT good.
When you're high, you dance like an injured velociraptor.
There is a severe lack of banging on that itinerary... I'd like a revision on my desk within the hour
You know getting black out drunk at a cats birthday party should have been my lowest point drinking wise but some how I feel like last night was some how worse
I went in the hotel's jacuzzi fully clothed, threw up in the bathroom half an hour later and woke up naked next to Dr. Seuss' "Oh the Places You'll Go"
do you know why there was a glass jar of hot chocolate and a traffic flare in my shower?!! like where did that even come from
idk but im stoned n hiding in the bathroom from my kids with a really big bowl of really little candy bars
Randomize
