I'm going to save the lime from my McDonald's salad to use in my Corona later tonight.
I was so drunk I accidentally put in two tampons.
I tried to talk you out of it. You were worried about alcohol being a blood thinner.
i guess that's what happens when you find your girlfriend at the zoo
I prob couldn't even get his attention if I had a dick growing out of my forehead
I broke stuart's oven and showed up to the party with a squirrel.
Is that a tongue signal to get over there? That's how my two heads are taking it.
I told him to pick up the beer can he threw in front of the police station. So he gets out chugs whatever's left and throws it back and says ok let's go.
I want to see boobs tonight. Like, real ones. Your ones.
I'm romantic.
Bryan's allergic to that cheap detergent, so he's been naked for three days. But we're all used to it now, so the party is still on.
I'm almost too hungover to function. Got into the wrong car by mistake. there was a rotweiler in it. Thank god he was more confused than i was for a minute.
Pretty sure I have a sex related back injury. I'm not sure if I should be proud or ashamed.
Sometimes being bisexual is a curse. Turns out I banged both of her older twin brothers last summer.
Yes please. My parents would fucking love him and I'd love fucking him. That's a win-win if I've ever seen one.
In this house, we have but one simple rule: DONT FUCKIN TOUCH MY STUFF OR I'LL CUT YOUR NECK IN UR SLEEP
You just can't go back to being friends with someone after you sucked their balls
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