Whatever my ex gf's roomates talked shit about me so I jizzed in their shampoo bottle one night
Seriously, stop peeing all over the toilet seat. It looks like movie theatre butter.
The only thing that would make my night better is if William Shatner came and read me a bedtime story.
after we had sex he went grocery shopping. at 6 am. i've never been more confused in my life
We had sex and then he fed me pie. This is the best friends-with-benefits situation ever.
I guess I'm in a committed relationship. We just had shot 1 of 3 of Gardasil. I'm now dead inside.
If it snows I'm just gonna sit at my house in my costume and drink beer by myself all night.
studying for my Anatomy final and masturbating to Japanese porn are practically the same thing
This hurricane better not stop me from sitting on the stoop thurs & enjoying all the slutty costume walkofshamers
How's my date look?
Like a retarded elf
In a good way
I got propositioned while wearing the bottom half of a horse costume. It's like god is apologizing to me in the strangest of ways.
I would love a rich wife. Then I would be like a gym teacher or some shit. Bigfoot hunter maybe.
When did angry sex become our thing?
I wish drunk me wasn't so into manscaping. Or at least good at it. Either or really
I mean like if I stood up my head might pull me down like an anchor
Randomize
