we're getting ready to take strippers to breakfast. I love my life.
i just made out with my boyfriends father...and so did jess
Just ran into my ex in the WOMENS bathroom. He said I did this to him. Swore he never wore my clothes but said he liked my skirt. I need vodka.
I stumbled in at 6am to find my cat in the window making a noise I've never heard her make. When I went to the window there was a goat outside staring at us.
Are you sure? Or did you just think there was a goat?
No there was a goat. I gave it a donut.
hey give me heads up if you're feeling vulnerable tomorrow night
you put your hands over the taxi driver's eyes and shouted GUESS THE WAY TO THE CLUB
So it took me 20 minutes to figure out that this is the wrong blind date. I'm going to go with it, he's cute and at least it's free beer.
Thought it only fitting this Jubilee weekend to snort lines with a 50 note
Your patriotism amazes me, the Queen would be proud!
Brownies hit. And just found beer. And the bill cosby show is on. And its in spanish.
Much like Dre, I was forgotten about.
i want to shrink myself down to penis size, climb inside of her pussy and just live there for a few months.
I currently look like a drunken mermaid, god I love beach parties.
Way to go. Now you have no beer and I have a cold tit.
He was licking my ear while recommending that I shop at IKEA. I think he's my perfect guy.
It's a charity event and she's wearing a cocktail dress drinking a 40... I found my future wife
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