Passed out watching pirates of caribbean with vodka in hand. Woke up to jenna jameson, with vodka gone.
I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
we did anal to Party In The USA and he busted to Firefies .. felt like we were fucking in a middle school dance
Adams eating in the shower, he says it's one of his favorite places to eat. Btw it's milanos he's eating, he says he loves italy too.
Hey. Be honored that I consider you the genital expert. I know alot of candidates for the position.
The amount of alcohol I'm going to consume on my birthday is directly proportional to the amount of shit I've had to put up with this past year. Which is a lot.
OH MY GOD DO YOU REMEMBER WISHBONE? DO YOU REMEMBER THAT LITTLE BITCH? WHAT'S THE STORY WISHBONE
Her boobs take up a lot of room so God had to skimp on the brains
I ran into the kitchen halfway through hooking up cause I forgot I put the cookies on the oven too high. Came back and she was gone but the only thing I could think about was all the extra cookies I could eat now. Got through about 6 before I realized why she left.
Cause I'll toss Tabasco sauce in his eyes and yell "Cobra attack" and walk away
Between randomly bursting into tears and the reappearance of my lost sex drive, this break up has left me bizarrely damp.
And by "I love him" I mean "I want his tongue down my throat.
Maybe i don’t have a tell. Maybe wine is my poker face.
Well you went to the bar with your crutches last night & everyone including the DJ started chanting "put your crutches in the air"
I'm too hungover to Google him and try to save face.
Randomize
