She was so drunk that I kept trying to switch out her wine for water. Sort of like Jesus, but in reverse.
He had the smallest penis i'd ever seen. I can see why he drinks his life away.
I am solely responsible for the birth of their child. I mean, I did push them into the room and hold the door shut yelling "punch that kitty!". It has to be a sign.
now I know why they wanted me to come. apparently gay guys are stripper magnets
Maybe it's cuz you slapped him with a pancake last night
Idk we were snorting lines and making out in the stall while these people were cheering us on, on the other side. And that's when I realized he wasn't the only guy in the girls bathroom.
I almost bumped into a man wrapped only in a blanket at 10 am
idk man, i just want to be a bad influence for future generations
Last night must have been awesome because I went to get in the shower only to find the bat symbol drawn on my chest
That happened during battle shots lol
I just look at my butt and see so much potential.
I just pawned the ring from my ex boyfriend to replace the ring I lost from my current boyfriend. #thanks
We probably are going to die. So. Thanks for agreeing to be my Maid of Honor even though I torture you.
I just got through airport security with 5 grams of weed in my back pocket. Either I deserve a metal or the government is slacking
I need my comforter. Pls bring it to me and drape me in it like an animal pelt. Ps I'm naked.
Whoever was the bastard/bitch/genius who duct taped my keys to my dick so I wouldn't lose them. I hate you.
Randomize
