Day 3 of Lent and I would already kill a puppy if God would give me permission to masturbate
I realized i make the same noise when i get a blow job as when i eat pizza
I'm making a contract of things you're not allowed to put in my ass
I can do it, this is my punishment and I will accept it, plus id like to see the look on peoples faces when I throw up on them
I think we did. All i know my pants smell like pong water due to the bathroom extravagansa. God I feel like a whore.
Nothing like being buzzed at 10:20am off wine shots in Amish country
he told me "apparently my gag reflex doesn't work so if you magically grew a penis I would deep throat you"
A dude I dated in high school just put a status about National Coming Out day. I checked his relationship status. He is dating a dude. Hello, Friday.
I'm in public and Taylor Swift is playing. It is taking all my effort to not screech like a goat.
You 2012 self promised me that you would do LSD with me, and it's 2015 now. So.
Plus, I'm basically a doctor, so what could go wrong.
My intervention, when it happens, should have vanilla cake....buttermilk icing.
He asked if I was a pirate because my "arrrrrrrrse" was worth burying. 10/10 for effort, 20/10 for serial killer vibes.
I swear to god my spidey sense only tingles when someone’s about to die or you’re being a hoe.
Can we start referring to attractive men as "A fine piece of dick?"
Just found out my dad smokes weed too. Mom, grandma, all aunts and uncles, and now my dad too. It's like I'm genetically engineered to be a stoner.
Randomize
