Drunk on an escalator. I fell like 15 flights of stairs without actually moving more than 5 feet.
You know what sound is wonderful for a hangover? Listening to the horns from the South Africans at the world cup
I made the bartender pinky promise me there was still vodka in my drinks.
just bought 2000 rhinestones and a heart shaped stencil at Micheals...I think the cashier knows i'm Vajazzling
Why is there an appointment in my calandar called "get the fuck to the bus" at 3 am june 19th?
Well obviously when I get drunk my intelligence level surpasses yours and that's why you can't understand me.
If there aren't any tits where you are, you're doing it wrong.
I thought you died. Don't forget it's burger night.
What're you gonna do with the rest of your night?
Probably watching cooking videos and fantasizing about pie
Tomorrow night, I am putting you In my trunk. No excuses we have waited forever for this.
Currently watching high school football on ESPN. Drink every time they say 'this kid's got potential' or 'look at this kid go' or 'atta kid' We're done for..
I need to start journaling my drunk thoughts. Drunk me is fucking brilliant & sober me is missing out.
New strategy for telling if someone is drunk: will they attempt to drink a candle if you put a straw in it?
Convinced if I was being murdered in my house no one would come and save me. If no one heard my 10000000 orgasms last night, there is no hope.
Never in my life did I expect to see Eric's mom in a cheerleader outfit along with other women
Randomize
