I don't know which is worse: knowing all the free porn websites, or knowing which days they update their free porn.
strike ten. I need to stop drinkng
You named all of the cocktail shrimps and then tackled a guy for "eating Henry"
Her birthday cake consisted of a shot of tequila with a candle in it
The only thing worse than listening to you two fuck all night was waking up and smelling bacon and there not being any left.
I feel like I was just dunked in a tub of beer and then thrown in a giant dryer with rocks in it.
I received a letter in the mail from my ex equipped with a used condom,dirt, some hair, and a nude portrait of myself.
These pissing matches have to stop. They led to last night's scotch through the nose shots. I'll never smell again.
I just farted a soft, gentle fart and it made me think of the eye puff glaucoma test at the eye dr. I hope that's not fart air they use for those. And yes, I'm texting you from the toilet and yes again, I'm high.
True friends don't judge, they just try to have more booty calls than you do.
Technically, I traded a soft pretzel for sex last night...
I'm not sure. I have to find the Greeks I was with last night and see if they can explain to me why I can't hear out of my right ear and why I look like I got the shit kicked out of me
It was a strange night. I made out with his college roommate and said "do you care?" beforehand.
Your drunk self managed to not pee on anyone's bed
Go me
I'm actually proud
He was actually surprised when I poured myself a glass full of straight vodka. Clearly he doesn't know me as well as he thinks.
Randomize
