Last night my friend tried to make out with me in an olive garden. Ahahah
Nothing says 'I love you' like never ending salad and breadsticks
Hm. I declare blue a flavor.
You took shots of captn out of a empty percocet bottle, i just saw you fall threw the floor of rock bottom.
I just got my poem back from the prof, there's a sticker of a girraffe on it and it says "you're awesome!" ... How can this even be considered real college?!?
Please tell me you saw the asian lady with the medical mask on cutting her lawn with scissors.
when i'm drunk i think im just gonna point at him and yell adultery is a sinnnn. youre going to helllll
i must of done something right to please the booty call gods. . . maybe fucking that fat chick?
Me and my vagina aren't speaking at the moment.
She broke both of her ankles trying to jump off the balcony. it's like every time she drinks she makes even more impressively bad decisions than the last time
I respect the size of her balls.
Yeah but I don't respect the size of her anything else.
He said the last thing he remembered thinking was: 'Why is this vagina spinning?' Too drunk sex is no ones friend.
he's singing something in russian and knocking over my plants with his dick, get his drunk ass out of my apartment
HE STUCK IT IN THE FISHBOWL WTF
Sneezing cum all over the table was not the highlight of the family reunion if that tells you anything
It's okay to admit that you're into redheads.
Fuck him. He can bang that skeezer all he wants. Fuck her lawyerness I’m a YouTube star
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