I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
So drunk can't even tell it's my own house. WOaoOw.
Why do you apologize after every time we have sex?
Last night I ate parmesan cheese straight out of the container while watching Chelsea Lately. Look at what happens to me when you leave.
once i realized i was actively trying to drink the beer i was sweating out of my body i knew it was time to go to bed
She called herself a train and then took off all her clothing. I forget everything after that.
I saw you two flinging Jello at the sidewalk if that helps jog your memory.
A small child is toddling around the store, holding a coloring book and a shot glass. Thinking of you.
Is a wave an appropriate goodbye when your one night stand wakes up and walks out towards the door while you are looking through the garbage for the evidence of a condom?
I was just told that i'm a premature cuddler. . . What does that even mean?
Whatever it is you failed
I have tan lines from my nipple rings.
The last thing I remember from that party was me shouting "hold my feet I'm going in strapped like Rambo"
day drinking caused me to be in bed at a decent time. can't complain.
I can't trust your balls anymore.
I'm pretty sure my calc professer is on coke. He's just too excited for this to be an 8am class.
Bold words for someone NOT on a unicycle
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