Hey sorry i havent responded. i threw up on my phone while i was sleeping
Just when I thought this night couldn't get any worse, my dad sang and dedicated Sexual Healing to me at kareoke night.
You filled up my voicemail with a slurred but graphic depiction of how you were humping a fire hydrant.
Idk. I woke up marinating in beer on my beanbag. Idk what you mightve done.
I won't be able to make it. Too hung over. Can't hold down fluids. I'm in the bathtub trying to hydrate my body through osmosis. And yes, Tequila Tuesday is totally still on for tonight.
Oh god our sink is a cavalcade of horrors. Brb sacrificing a goat and putting everything in the dishwasher forever
So I paid for the taxi using pennies and hair clips, no need to thank me.
Cops are just so fun an beautifuk
When I was leaving this morning he gave me some candy off his floor to prove he was a nice guy... He definitely knows the way to my heart. Best one night stand ever
Also, making a white Russian with butterscotch schnapps instead of vodka is probably the best decision I've made in my entire college career.
She dumped me and then asked if I wanted to come to her improv show. Fuck theatre majors, man.
I’m a coke loving, addy selling, pot smoking CRIMINOLOGY major. If there isn't irony in that I give up.
It's the 3rd day of the year and I've already sucked two dicks. New year same ole me.
I think I gave the bachelor party directions to the breweries next to my dentist so that they could take me to my appointment and pick me up afterward...
What happened?
New Orleans
Every time
Randomize
