Went to mcdonalds... Wishing I could throw up the last 20 hours of my life.
She's like a coupon for free blow jobs. No purchase necessary.
He was waring a speedo fashioned out of american flag bandanas and when he got hard he said "you're such a patriot...raising the american flag like that"
incase your class ends early, there are three naked guys in our room. but don't get too excited, they're all gay.
Lil wasted at a baby shower. Here's to beating teen pregnancy BOTTOMS UP
I've woken up in some weird places in my lifetime, but never in a tent in my own garage.
Dude, please wake him up, there are pills all over the floor and hes the only one who knows which ones to take simultaneously.
She kept crying and asking why I couldn't look more like Dennis quaid.
I am in the bathroom at work, pooing while eating pretzels. Hungover Fridays are in full effect
She still didn't believe that he would cheat on her so I finally said "how else would I know that his batman mask is still in the back of his car from halloween?" I think she accepted it
That's probably when I climbed a tree and told everyone I was an ornament
2014 decided to stick it to me one last time. Right up the ass.
I just showed this kid my nipples to work my shift tmw
So I come home this morning to get ready for a job interview and there is garlic seasoning all over the hardwood and a knife in the wall. What. the. fuck.
Lesson Learned: It's not a party until someone pisses their pants.
Randomize
