My balls are about to become a huge part of your mouth's life
just ask for directions from a guy with a penis drawn on his window
He tagged himself in all of my pictures so he would get a notification if someone commented on it.
Restraining orders are what college is about.
Too bad it's not "confirm, ignore or not unless I've had 20+ beers"
well you haven't lived until you've been 86'ed from a family restaraunt
and then we had to stop you from trying to pour shots through your nose with the neti pot.
Someone is gonna learn how to start an IV in the morning
He hit on a bridal shower w/ his hand on my tit the entire time. Gave his number to the mom.
Just spent 15 minutes trying to save the life of a fruit fly that dive-bombed my coffee. I figured it doesn't make sense to let two souls die in this place...
His roommates came in and started a dance party in his room while we were having sex. He said it wasnt the first time.
I don't know if I want to live in a world where i can't fuck an exes brother.
Saved a second guy who was crying/on the verge of wigging out. Just call me the drug whisperer.
I would ride that face into the sunset
My new plan is to whip out my titties when they arrive. Maybe they won’t notice that I broke the couch fucking my boss...
Plan before tomorrows interview: wash off green glitter from EVERYWHERE!!!
Randomize
