after you took your Demerol you started flying around and talking like the robot ship on the movie Stealth. then you licked my iPhone and declared the mission a success.
I'm currently trying to figure out how I woke up naked and handcuffed to my bed. Not real worried about class right now.
The hospital said it would be 'irresponsible' for them to allow people to book stomach pumps.
i dont think the girl sending me nudes is qualified to pass judgement on me
Out of ice. Vodka+club soda+cut up lime popscicle=I'm an alcoholic genius.
he just looked at me and whispered "these are my sea lions. my sea lions." and then went back to licking the mirror
There are empty beer cans all over and the go-kart is missing. I need it for my halloween costume.
He wouldn't let me go down on him. He stopped me and told me he was a giver.
literally hosing herself off in my back yard with the hose. i offered her the shower but she refused. that drunk.
A little boy in a bathroom stall just shouted "mom where's your penis?? Is it inside you?"
I'm sorry if you weren't drunk enough to be peer pressured into the naked dancing/group make out that transpired last night
Updates: Made out with a teletubby last night in the middle of the street #lifegoals
You better have a raging boner when I get to your house and it better be worth missing work in the morning.
I'm not too sure what happened last night, but by the looks of it, we must have gotten drunk with zebras.
Last night when we were having sex he put the condom on backwards the first time. While he was putting the second one on I blew up the first one, made it into a balloon and hit him in the head with it. I think we're over the honeymoon stage.
Randomize
