Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
now that we've slept with the entire soccer team i think its time to expand the horizon.
She just started grabbing all the hospital's rubber gloves and face masks and shoving them in her purse, saying, "My tax money paid for these!"
There is a mirror in the headboard of the bed that I'm sleeping in so I can immediately question life choices when I wake up.
Don't feel bad sweetie, you're not the only classy one in town. I'm still driving around with that tupperware of tequila in my cup holder from last week's Margarita Monday.
WHY does every guy I sleep with want to fix my car?!
I picked a bad day to wear the catch me fuck me shoes.
Did someone catch you and fuck you?
That moment when your whole family facetimed you just moments before you threw up all over the entire living room
I fucked her ex bc she fucked mine but now we're cool and I'm watching her dog this weekend
why isn't there a kind of gay where i let guys give me head but they don't expect me to give it back? i could be that kind of gay
He was that good?
After pissing all over her van its a lot easier to look her in the eye than I thought.
Can I just say how funny it is that your "respect" tattoo is right above the bruise from me slapping your ass
GO RIDE HIS EYEBROWS INTO THE SUNSET
It's official. I have spent more money on weed than on textbooks this semester.
You’ve seen my tits of course he broke his wedding vows
Randomize