You know that hot fire fighter I fucked yesterday? Well him and two other guys are killing the fire on my stove. Awkward.
Just puked on the beach. Hungover. In front of my parents. I love summer.
Theres an amvulance here. It might be for me
This was baby jesus's way of getting you to wait until the next bikini wax
Dude he's the best wing man ever. He starts creepin' on a woman, and she clings on to you out of fear.
There is nothing more embarrassing than your birth control alarm going off while in a meeting with your boss and they tell you to take it.
Just got 20% off at the liquor store. How you ask? I asked if there was an "I got divorced today" discount.
Yea, she's 42 I'm 23. Girls our age are terrible. All they need is a divorce and a bottle of wine
I'm in the middle no shirt white shorts humping the white dustbuster next to the guy shooting off the tazer infront of the two guys humping on the bicycle
I feel like I should throw some tampons around my workspace so everyone will know what's really going on
lets go to sea world and you can just hit on every guy in a wetsuit until you get lucky
I just kept hitting the drum to get thru the crowd to the bar. Surprisingly it worked
Is it appropriate to send an apology gift to his roommates for breaking the bathroom sink during crazy sex?
If one more dude who finds out I'm a cop asks to see me in uniform I'm gonna become asexual
public service announcement: beginning at 10pm please text me at half hour intervals reminding me to keep my legs shut tonight. Note, this is not a drill.
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