He toold me that when we were younger I was his boner buddy.
I'm listening to bach and watching porn,is that a sign of depression?
Quite the contrary. Sophistication.
so, I mean this in the straightest way possible, but don't you ever just feel like you owe Jon Stewart a blowjob...
They were lying down in the parking garage pretending to be speed bumps...
the fog machine set off the whole complexes fire alarm
Shit, I may have left some acid in your bathroom last night. Has he been in there lately.
New development. Drinking at work is so easy and awesome I might have to do it everyday.
i preemptively threaten to cock slap your kids if they are snobby yuppy bitches
I feel like the devil slapped me in the face with his dick.
Birthday success
My dad is so drunk he attempted to ride my two year old cousin's tricycle. For a solid five minutes.
Whenever I'm not in the mood and don't want to go to bed swampy, I just strategically suck him off during the second period intermission of the Cup playoffs and he leaves me alone and does the dishes. It's a win-win.
...I think I just watched a boy make a sandwich seductively. What.
I ate 2 pot cookies before we left the house. Fuck Pokemon. I'm playing my own game.
Why were you doing tequila shots out of Boston Pizza dip containers?
Ran into my FWB on my walk of shame and went back to her place. Even my walk of shames are awesome!!!
Randomize