yo i have your phone
... oh so you probably won't get this message
I wonder what it would be like to be a slice of cheese.
so i decided not to tell her that her fiance is cheating since i already bought the bridesmaid dess
just dd'd my mom home while she begged me to let her drunk dial my ex, jammed out to party in the usa, and then passed the fuck out. thanks for the genes mom.
he just wrote my ten page research paper for tit pics. i love my boobs.
The bridesmaid just threw up on herself. This is going to be the best wedding ever
Doubtful. That seems irresponsible. The 4th will kill you if you stopped drinking until then. Let's think logically.
My roommate didn't flush after her miscarriage. Time to drink myself blind. I need you for moral support. Or so I don't have to drunkenly cry alone anymore. Whatever, help.
i'm just sitting here watching hocus pocus, eating takeout, and taking self esteem quizzes online while everyone is out partying. you tell me how my night is.
Well THAT'S the last time I buy beer and baby wipes in the same Walmart run ... just wanted to shout I USE THEM TO REMOVE MY MAKEUP, YOU ASSHOLES
i swear i just dislocated a hip staying still
I'd do them all but honestly I'm so high that I probably should have a chaperone.
i rearranged my furniture so i could masturbate in the sun. how's that for spring cleaning?
GUESS WHOSE BEST FRIEND IS OUT OF PRISON!
Hi I am on my way. I stopped and got the cheeseburger you asked for. Are you gonna pay me back?
Who is this?
Randomize
