i saw a guy balancing a black cat on his head last nite
get a pic
i tried he was too far away anotherguy was walking with paper bags on his feet explain that
i want ur life
So my Christmas cards this year will be my mug shot with my kids face photo shopped next to me....too ghetto?
The only thing he got me during our relationship was a cum stain in my backseat. I choose winners.
Just saw a white bronco on my way home from work and the license plate said "NOT OJ"
Dear God. I kissed a man tonight who was born in 1936.
Should you consider yourself out of control when everyone at the party is cheering you on while you're puking, and on the last heave you act like you're rolling dice right before the finale???
How do you respond to a booty call from yesterday?
I'm going to miss hockey season. It was the best excuse to get drunk on a Tuesday night.
It's a little weird that I'm blowing my wingman.
Oh. I'm probably going to just get a viagra and ruin your life.
Just had sex to Jesse & the Rippers. Can check that one off the bucket list.
I'm covered in glow paint and I can't find my shirt. So, successful night
I'll be back in a hour going with Jason to get his nipples tattooed back on again
i was too drunk before they even got here. i took all their phones instead of keys and hid them in the freezerr...im an awesome party host.
this poor kid thinks hes going to have his first time with both of us
Randomize
