Hey sorry about saying i hated you. it was the coke and the ice cream.
Last night we hooked up in nothing but out UK shirts during half time. Never say I'm not a dedicated fan again.
Just passed a guy passed out on a riding lawn mower in his front yard.
Dude i'm seriously thinking about his nipples.
Is waterboarding an exceptable way of getting sober?
He blew a .19 and then slurred "well I did have some rum cake earlier today officer".
The face that yo gabba gabba comes up when I'm stoned and searching for yoga workouts is scary or dangerous
Would it be sharing too much to tell you that my nipples hurt so much that I couldn't comfortably go down the stairs?
You think he will forgive me for the paper being a week late if I bring him a beer?
...it's a 9am class...
no he just sat there holding the hammer and grinning insanely
A guy I hooked up with YEARS ago just endorsed me on LinkedIn for "customer service".
If everyone felt the happiness from apple crown royal we would be in a better place
He's eating me out right now. That's how bad he is.
I don't want to go to sleep. I like partying with myself.
Why are there condoms taped to the handle of Tito’s?
I get horny when I drink, pregnant when I fuck and I never lose the booze unlike my purse
Randomize
