I thought smoking would make her look better, but all it did was enlighten me to her snaggletooth
Sounds like a blessing in disguise
By the way, I think my next facebook status update will read, "Aaron recently found out Vanessa's a screamer."
oh god.
you dragged me by my throat over to the shots. this is a new level of alcoholism..
was i strangled at any point last night? or was his dick just that long
Had to go see my sisters new baby this morn in the clothes I wore to the rave last night. Still drunk. Almost dropped it. I'll be a good aunt right?
So we played the stone cold theme song and continued to chug 2 beers at once and everyone just looked in shock
FACE TIME HER WHILE YOU GUYS BANG
He specifically said I couldn't post the picture of him passed out naked except for a strategically placed washcloth. Where's the fun in that?
YOU'RE MARRIED. TO OTHER PEOPLE.
Commuter bitches be judging your sister and her bag fulla wine. It's a motherfucking rosé, bitch!
Btw any and all sexual fantasies or arousal I had about cops is null and void.
You, me, naked, mistletoe, fifth of jack, gallon of lube, condoms, Cheetos, handcuffs, rope, along with no morals, inhibition or judgment. That's all I want for Christmas.
Do one night stands count towards my number?
Yes. A penis is a penis
Even bad ones?
YES.
And they're not making a turkey. My cousin was "hoping to shoot a bird this week"
He's been pretending to be gay for 3 months in order to get free weed.
Are you alone?
No, but I have to leave him in my bed while I go on this date.
Randomize
