I think I left something in your back seat.... It was my integrity
is it cool if i come over and use your computer?
what happened to yours?
i got a little to drunk last night and threw up on it...then i tried to wash it off under the sink.
My t9 writes chubies instead of bitches.
either way. win, win.
Ew, dude I just walked in on my boss masturbating in the supply room at the restaurant. He didn't see me so I quickly shut the door and pretended like it didn't happen. And then literally five minutes later he came up to me and cupped my face with his hands and told me what a great employee I was. I got a promotion but I'm fucking scarred for life. I can't stop cringing.
Dude my date hates me, Im on a rooftop full of Turkish people, and Ricky Martin is blasting on the radio. I was wrong earlier when I said I have my shit together
pop tarts are not kleenex
i realized our last day of finals is on cinco de mayo....it's god's way of saying drink ridiculous amounts of tequila and wear sombreros
Her vagina turned into a vuvuzela. I didn't know it was a possible to have a wet nightmare.
Oh it's happening. I'm Chugging a beer while sitting next to a 6 year old
You're so wise. You're like my sexual Grandmother Willow.
I'm at a party with half naked strippers driving in a little kids battery powered mustang around a stipper pole in his bedroom
I walked in, the bartender looked at me, grabbed 3 shot glasses and a pounder. Lined them up on the bar then made a line with salt on the other side of them and said I wasn't allowed to cross it.
Let's just say we ended up at Denny's with a strippers shoe that we had to discreetly leave at the door to the strip club this morning
I told him that if he cleaned the bathroom, I'd blow him. You could eat off the toilet. Seriously, get over here. This is the cleanest you'll ever see it.
They're doing CPR to someone in the middle of Victoria's Secret. Way to block the undies, damnit!
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