I think your x's eyes are broken his new girl is so hit
Flying into Chicago for a few days, getting re-deployed in September, we should probably fuck
Kristina got the same text from you just now, she's sitting next to me, how many people did you send this to?
I just ran into the couch, vagina first.
I hope you got dinner out of it
You would think that someone would have been sober enough to object to vodka bong races.
ambylanc
what?
there was an amgbulance. iw ish i was in it.
ugh i can't even wear this perfume anymore. it just brings back blurry memories of blowjobs and regret.
I answered the door to some Jehovah Witnesses hungover and wearing nothing but a white tshirt. I think they made it the church goal to reform me, we've gotten four pamphlets. My mom's going to make me convert if they keep coming.
When Vanessa's kindergarten teacher called me in because she was caught with her hand down some boys pants in the bathroom, I knew you babysat last week.
too bad we didn't bet. my 38-1 tears would have made great lubrication for a blow job.
My New Years resolution is actually to be MORE petty
Every text my dad sends me is an AA mantra. Might be time to take a look at my life.
how am i in montreal? thats like a 3 hour train ride. i remember nothing.
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
Looking back, we probably shouldn't have chased alcohol with more alcohol
I love you, but seriously, that was way too long a thesis on an Arby’s curly fry being wrapped around schlong!
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