I swear, you have an app for that. "Attention: your boyfriend is pooping. Place call?"
I saw a seagull swallow a hot-dog whole today, it reminded me of you.
She definitely pulled a diaper out of her purse and cleaned up the vodka with it, where do you meet these people?!
I am dressed. And we didn't do anything. He's gorgeous and tall tho. Something nice to look at when I'm hungover
Ok in all seriousness. Alcohol intake is now restricted for me. I found handcuffs in my trunk.
he made a bon jovi sex playlist and started crying when "i'll be there" came on... how was your night?
He told me I was his first American. I feel like I should've brought a flag to plant on him.
don't worry i won't let him get attached. I put on my Hulk onesie after sex and yelled I SMASHED YOU. never seen a guy looked so confused.
In the name of friendship, I’m going to kick your children into the ocean.
Sorry for peeing on you and your bed last night.
There's a guy masturbating in front of Sephora right now
He held my hair back for me while i vomited in my driveway last night and i repayed him by farting mid-heave.
We need some Captain and Fanta. That shit will change your life. Sidenote, bring an IV drip to hook me to in the morning
Correction: Jimmy johns. The one pita pit employee has been an asshole to me ever since you locked them out of the store
also, I think I lit my hair on fire when I got home..
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